If you’re a single girl in Cyprus, there is one call you will inevitably receive from your mother. It starts like this:
Mother: I’m going to tell you something but don’t get angry…
This means only one thing: your phone number has been given to a random single man whose mother/aunt/meddling relative thought would be a great match for you.
This is what elder women do in Cyprus. They dream of achieving ultimate matchmaker status by marrying off as many people as possible and taking the credit for it for as long as the couple is together. Forty years ago these arranged marriages were called Proxenio. This may no longer be common practice but they are doing their best to keep the tradition alive. We call these women the Proxi-Queens.
They mean well, but their strategies are very flawed. Allow me to demonstrate the extent of their subtlety and foresight:
Mother: Lets go have coffee at your aunt’s house!
Daughter: Why?
Mother: Just to see her, she invited us.
Daughter: Why would she invite me?
Mother: What’s wrong with inviting you?
Daughter: You go, tell her I can’t make it.
Mother: No no! You HAVE to come!
Daughter: Why?
Mother: (Sighing in resignation) Her friend’s son will be there. You could meet him!
Cue big argument ending with:
Daughter: You essentially want me to have a blind date in front of my aunt and mother!! How would that even work?!
Mother: No, we’ll be quiet, we won’t disturb you…
Daughter: Are you crazy?! And what guy would go for this?!
Then the two factors which all expat mothers in Cyprus believe will seal the deal:
Mother: He’s an accountant and he speaks English!
Daughter: Well then bring the priest too and I’ll race him to the altar!
If the daughter manages to get out of it, she will feel a fleeting moment of relief…but it aint over yet. After all, pitbulls inherit their skills from these aunts. The daughter will then receive the following irate call:
Aunt: You have put me in a very difficult position!!
Daughter: What? Why?!
Aunt: I’m so embarrassed! I can’t show my face in public!!
Daughter: What are you talking about?!
Aunt: I was at a funeral yesterday and I couldn’t look my friend’s in the eye. They’re insulted because you think you’re too good for their son!
Daughter: I never said –
Aunt: They go to all that trouble to introduce him and you turn your nose up to him!
Daughter: But I never asked to –
Aunt: These are some of my oldest friends and I can’t have my relationship ruined like this! And their son is such a good boy! I just don’t know what to do!!
Daughter: (worn down by the high pitch avalanche of words) FINE! I’ll meet him!
Aunt: Really?
Daughter: Yes! Just let me know when I should come over…
Aunt: Oh no! You have to call him this time. His pride is hurt, you can’t expect him to organize this again!
Daughter: What?!
Aunt: Hold on, let me give you his number…
Daughter: I don’t even know this guy!!
Aunt: I have known these people for 30 years! Please don’t embarrass me!
Daughter: But I had nothing to do with this!!!
Aunt: His number is…
Proxi-Queens. Unparalleled genius.
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